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Personal Message to a guy who once had a knife

May 7, 2009
via email …..

knife-gun-fightMy wife and I went to the Tea Party in Downtown Atlanta Last night and because we went later after attending church we had to park on a back street and when we returned to our car we had this guy try to rob us with a knife. I? running this to him in the AJC Newspaper tomorrow.

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Atlanta after the Tea Party Date: 2009-04-15, 11:43 PM EST.

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my wife. You also asked for my wife’s purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I’d like to apologize. I didn’t expect you to dirty in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn’t that cold outside. You see, my wife had just bought that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for me, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening before. Beautiful pistol, eh?

It’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it?

I know it probably wasn’t a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants.

I’m sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn’t have you calling up any of your buddies to come and help you.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Turner Field, along with all of the cash in your wallet. I threw the wallet in a fancy pink “pimp mobile” parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I also called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone. They’ll be on your next bill in case you’d like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shutdown the line, and I’ve only had the phone for a few hours now, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. I hope they haven’t permanently cut off your service.

I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really upset but we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).

I’d also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I’m hoping that you’ll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky..

Kindest regards, Bob

P.S. Remember this motto…… an armed Society is also a polite Society – Semper-Fi USMC – Providing the enemies of America an opportunity to die for their countries since 1775

— “IN GOD WE TRUST”

2 Comments leave one →
  1. May 25, 2013 4:43 pm

    must remeber this plan

  2. Anonymous permalink
    July 4, 2009 12:02 pm

    Fictitious but funny.

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